Why People Pleasing Is Just Fear in Disguise

She’s in charge at work—but not in her own life.

July 16, 2025

I was with a friend recently—
An attorney. Highly respected. Runs her own law firm.
The type of woman who commands a courtroom with ease.

But when it comes to movie night?

She folds.

Her boyfriend is obsessed with Star Wars and Dune.
Every time it’s Jedi philosophies and sandworm monologues.
She secretly dreads it—but nods, smiles, and plays along.

When I asked why she doesn’t just say she’s not into it, she shrugged:

“I guess I just don’t want to let him down.”

Wild, right?

Even the most assertive people crumble when faced with the fear of disappointing someone they care about.

And that’s the quiet cost of people-pleasing.

Let’s break it down:

Being a people-pleaser sounds harmless—like you’re just being thoughtful or kind.

But underneath?

It’s fear wearing a flattering outfit.

It’s a survival strategy masked as generosity.

Because kindness comes from strength.

People-pleasing comes from fear.

Brutal Truths About People-Pleasing:

1. It’s a survival response
This isn’t about being “too nice.”
It’s about what your nervous system learned to do to stay safe.
If love or peace depended on keeping others happy growing up, your brain linked approval with survival.

Psychologist Pete Walker calls this the “fawn response”—the trauma response most people never recognize.

Fix: Pause before saying yes. Ask yourself,
“Is this coming from fear—or from love?”

2. Rejection activates physical pain centers
A UCLA study showed that social rejection triggers the same brain regions as physical pain.

That’s why setting boundaries can feel like getting punched—literally.

Fix: Discomfort ≠ danger.
Breathe through the sting. It passes. Always.

3. Over-giving creates resentment
That moment when you say yes, then feel annoyed the second after?
That’s not generosity. That’s self-abandonment.

Brené Brown nailed it:

“When you say yes to something you don't mean, you're saying no to yourself.”

Fix: Ask: “Would I still do this if no one expected me to?”

4. Saying “yes” became your autopilot
Over time, saying yes becomes default. Not a choice—just a reflex.

Fix: Break the habit with a pause. Say:
“Let me get back to you.”
The right people won’t be offended. The wrong ones will reveal themselves.

5. Boundaries don’t push people away—they reveal the truth
Most people fear setting boundaries will ruin relationships.

But boundaries don’t repel healthy people. They filter out those who only benefitted from your silence.

Fix: Think of boundaries as a compass—not a wall.
They guide who gets access to your energy.

Mini Story Insert:

I once said yes to a consulting gig I didn’t want—just to avoid the awkwardness of saying no.
It drained me for 3 months.
And the worst part? The client forgot about it a week later.
They moved on. I stayed stuck.

That was the moment I realized:
Most people aren’t even thinking about you.
They’re thinking about themselves.

The Shift: People-Pleasing Isn’t Weakness

At its core, people-pleasing isn’t just a flaw.
It’s a misused gift.

You’re likely empathetic.
Emotionally intelligent.
Able to read a room in seconds.

Those aren’t weaknesses.
They’re leadership traits—when you stop using them against yourself.

Reader Poll:
What drives your people-pleasing the most?

A. I don’t want to disappoint others
B. I avoid conflict
C. I feel responsible for others’ emotions
D. I want to be liked
E. It’s just habit now

(Vote inside the newsletter.)

Final Thought:
The goal isn’t to stop caring.

It’s to care without disappearing.

To help without hiding.

To show up with a full heart—without emptying yourself every time.

Because people-pleasing isn’t the problem.
Doing it unconsciously is.

Give from a place of overflow, not obligation.

Linford

Founder, Mindset,Mirage